On Friday, April 20th at 4:52 am Katie gave birth to our stillborn son Michael Thomas Pottle. We had always liked the name Michael, and in my family the first male has had the middle name of Thomas for many generations. The name is particularly appropriate because Michael is also the prince of angels, and his initials, MT, describe the feeling in our hearts now.

On Thursday, we had gone to our doctors for the routine 20 week ultrasound to check gender and all systems. Instead, the doctors told us that his heart had already stopped beating and that we would have to come to the hospital and go into labor.

Katie is one of the strongest people that I know, yet I am still constantly amazed at her strength. Going through labor and delivery is extremely painful for any woman, but the pain is usually balanced with the joy of having a healthy baby. Going through labor to deliver a dead baby is one of the most physically and emotionally painful things a human can do. Katie went through this pain with only a couple of Motrin and a few pieces of chocolate. It was truly an experience I would never wish on any other human being. It is so hard to see someone you love like that and not be able to fix it.

They will try to see why this happened. We’ve been told that about half of the time they will be able to find a reason. He had an autopsy and they will give Katie many tests as well. If we never find out why, then we will have to accept that too.

Although we have been dealt a wound that will never heal, we do feel extremely blessed that we were at least able to hold him for a little while. We were able to talk to him about some of the things he might have done or places he might have visited. We were able to have him blessed and his big sister was able to meet him. Having Kyra around has helped because she is yet incapable of deep sadness. Yet it has also been hard, because her smiles have more fully reminded us of what we have lost.

He had short, strong legs like me and long arms and feet like Katie. His eyes were blue, and carried a mischievous glint that made me think he might have been a great prankster.  The nurses at Parker Adventist Hospital were wonderful, and helped us to choose a mortuary where he will be cremated. We will have a service later, and place his ashes in several places that are significant to Katie and me. We feel particularly grateful that the Catholic Church has rites and ceremonies for this type of situation.

As a parent it hurts to know that you could not give your child what he needed, but at least we gave him what we could. He had several weeks to frolic and I was able to feel him kick once. We sent him away with a stuffed lion and feel that we were at least able to give him a little dignity at the end.

In some ways it is easier because he was young, and we had not yet gotten him a lot of possessions or formed a lot of memories of him. However, in other ways it is harder because his incredible potential was so untapped.

As Katie and I watched the sun set on the only birthday our son will ever have, we felt comforted by all your prayers and support. We are truly blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family members. We trust that he is in heaven now.